The other half, the other side.

Everybody has a side to them that they can't show to people who aren't family. I know I do. It's that side, that other half of you that you're afraid to show cause the people you love and you know might leave you. I have have a side of me that I'm afraid to show. It's so terrible that I've spent years building a barrier trying to force it deep down my body so it can't ever surface, but now, I'm starting to lose that barrier. I don't know what happened. I've changed so much. I'm being more.. me. The whole me, that is. I used to only be half of me, the other half that I want people to know. The other half that I know they won't hate. But everything's starting to fall apart. At least, the barrier is. It happened ever since I moved. The new school, the people, they make me feel so.. different. They bring out the other side of me. It's so weird and so complicated. They make me feel comfortable.. like I don't have to hide my other half, but that's the bad part. I have to hide it. If I don't and I show it, everyone would leave me and hate me. The other side of me, the other half of my personality. It's so terrible that even I'm afraid of it. The people here in my new town and new school, their making the barrier in me break down. It's starting to get worse. The other terrible side of me has already shown so much. I'm so different from who I was for that past years that I've lived. I don't like the new me... or should I say, I don't like the whole me..

Thinking about it, it's like I'm hiding behind a mask, as my friend had told me when I talked to him. He said if I don't show the whole me, it's like hiding behind a mask. Well, I kind of changed the wording around, but he meant it like that. He's right and I know it. But admitting to it is really hard. It's so easy to say it, but to have admit it with my brain and heart makes it so complicated. I wanna be able to show the whole me, but I'm afraid of the result. I want the people I know and love still stay by my side, but I'm afraid to try it. In a way, I'm giving up because I'm afraid of failing. That makes me pathetic, I know. But I'm afraid that once I do show the whole me, everyone will walk away from me, hating me and I won't be able to take it since I'll be alone. I'm anything far from being independent. Being by myself makes me feel alone and my self-confidence level goes down so low. And what if when it happens, when everyone is gone because of my other half and I can't fix it? What if that happens? That's what I'm afraid. 

Right now, there is not one person who have fully witnessed the whole me other than my family. My best friend have only witnessed a bit of that side. I still hold everything back when I'm with her. I want to show her my whole self, but I'm also afraid. Even when she says she won't leave me and that I can trust her, I'm still afraid. I trust her with everything, yes, just I can't trust myself to show her the whole me. I'm afraid I might hurt her so much that she'd never want to hear from me again. I want her to see me as a whole, but I'm not able to make that happen. I've tried, but I've always held that side back from her. I show everything else to her openly, I tell her everything else too, but why? Why is it only just that other side that stops me from showing her the whole me. I don't know. All I know is that I'm afraid. I'm terrified of showing that other half to anyone other than my family.




And for today's post, I'll end it with this:


Everyone has that side,
That one side that they can't let slide.
No matter how much we want to show it,
No matter how much we want to express it,
The results that will break our heart comes out and suppresses us.
Then in the end,
We keep all those feelings deep in our heart,
Where we know it will never resurface.

The night sky

Homework can be so tiring when you have so much. Especially when you get them today and it's immediately due tmr, but, in a way, it's much better than just sitting there doing nothing [x
So eventually, I got distracted. As I stared out the window (which I had forgotten to close my curtains over) I was breath-taken. What I saw was so beautiful. The night sky was so clear tonight that the stars were able to shine so brightly and amazingly. It was as if they were dancing together in the night sky. It's been so long since I've been able to see such a clear night sky like the one I saw tonight :) Then, I felt like getting cheesy and made a poem xD


So for today's saying (or in this case, poem):


A thousand wishes, a million stars,
High up in the sky, waiting on me to gaze at mars.
"Make a wish!" they'd whisper to me, softly in the ear,
And up at the night sky I'd look as I started my wish:
"Starlight star bright, the first star I see tonight..."